How big companies torture and mock customers with their charming way of treating us! Who needs enemies when you have certain multinationals ready to make you feel like a repeat offender? Can you imagine going to the bakery on the corner to buy a Galician loaf and, when you try to pay, they look at you as if you had stolen the Mona Lisa? Well, that is the experience of many users with these corporate jewels.
That you get bounced mail to a friend who has a Gmail account? As my sister-in-law would say, "no te arreches carajito". They're Microsoft and you're just a suspect of throwing cluster bombs. Has Endesa raised you 40 euros this month? It's your fault silly, you haven't read what the indecipherable hieroglyphic they send as a bill explains, wrongly.
First, let's talk about the art of the security check. You dare to return - at Alcampo or Decathlon - a T-shirt you bought two days ago because, surprise surprise, it turns out it doesn't fit you. And there you are, facing an interrogation worthy of a spy movie. "Do you have the receipt?" they ask you with a raised eyebrow, as if they've just discovered your secret identity as a clothes thief. Obvious, because we all know that the first thing you do when ripping off a shop is to keep the receipt carefully, right?
Now, imagine you approach the customer service desk. When you arrive, the person in charge looks at you as if they've just discovered that you're the Grinch who stole Christmas. "Are you sure you bought this here?" she says as they scan you with their eyes, assessing whether your face is on their list of suspicious persons. And if you don't have the receipt? Forget it! They treat you as if you've walked into the shop, picked up a random product and decided to make a show of returning it just to ruin their day.
And let's not talk about when you call customer service. Let's say... Movistar. After a maze of automated menus that would make the Minotaur pale with envy, you finally speak to a human. "Can you provide proof that you really have a problem?" Sure, because you spend your free time making up imaginary problems and calling customer support centres just for fun. Your internet is down? "Have you tried rebooting your router?" But the guy must be a moron. Obviously, it would never have occurred to me in these three days without connection, I have dedicated myself to meditate in silence waiting for divine enlightenment.
Then, you manage to reach a supervisor (after selling your soul and offering your neighbour's first son as a sacrifice). You think, finally, someone who understands me. But no, the supervisor throws a series of questions at you that sound like something out of a CIA interrogation manual. "Can you prove that you were not using an illegal device that interferes with our network?" Oh, I get it, because my living room is full of secret gadgets bought on the black market to sabotage my own internet connection.
In short, these multinationals have a unique way of making us feel like idiots. Especially annoyed, frustrated and suspicious. I wonder if in their team meetings there is a list of techniques to maximise customer distrust. "Today, guys, we're going to learn how to make a customer who just wants to return a product feel like a war criminal. Let's practice those suspicious looks!"
So the next time you're tempted to call a customer service line or return a product, you'd better make sure you bring your birth certificate, a letter of recommendation from your grandmother and a certificate of good conduct from kindergarten. You never know, maybe that will be enough to get you treated like a human being - but don't get your hopes up!
